…pALaKa…

last night i joined my boss’s online class.  you see, when he can’t meet his class, he would just meet them through chatting.  i am not a part of that class but i decided to "sit-in."

to cut the long story short, it was already past 11 and i am getting dizzy.  i don’t have my own pc at home so it’s obvious i was in an internet cafe.  i sent him a message saying i can’t keep up anymore.  i said goodnight.  i logged out, looked for a tricycle, got home, and went to bed.

then my celfone beeped.

"uy galit sa iyo si father!  na-disrupt mo raw yung class nung nag signout ka."

i was not troubled.  i was even surprised.  with all the courtesy i did he still got mad???

"nag-threaten na i-fire ka raw niya."

and so i told myself "so fucking what?!  my contract’s gonna end in less that two weeks anyway!  what makes him think i enjoy working with him?!  had it not been for the students, i have long ago left this place!!!"

if a few days back i was worried to be jobless, now, as in right now, at this very damn fucking moment, i am not!  the hell i care if i lose my job!  so be it!  it’s not fun working with him anyway.  the only reason i stay is not because of my boss but because of the students who love me a lot.  they always see and appreciate every little thing that i do.  that’s why eventhough i have a terrible boss, i can’t leave because of our students who are like my angels.

"so ano na?  aalis ka?  mahihirapan si father makahanap ng tulad mo," asked judge cortes, a judge i befriended.

"di ko pa po alam.  the only reason i can’t quit is because of you guys.  e ano po kung mahirapan siya?  problema niya na yun!  ok naman si boss as a friend and mentor eh.  di ako perpekto.  but he shouldn’t forget that he’s not either."

"yup.  he’s a difficult boss."

it’s really terrible to have boss who’s so damn perfectionist.

i really wanna get out of this hell….

noong linggo, bukod sa kapistahan ni sto. tomas de aquino, ipinagdiwang namin ng pinakamamahal kong kasintahan ang aming unang mansari.  at ganito ang nangyari:

after lunch pa lang magkasama na kami.  ang plano talaga e sasamahan ko siya sa holy trinity parish sa balic-balic para sa theo project niya.  kaibigan ko kasi yung ibang pari roon.  so nagkita kami sa sm manila.

pagkakita namin e nilibre niya ako ng sundae sa mcdo.  so sweet.  hehehehe.  tapos since andun na rin ako eh binayaran ko na yung bill namin sa meralco.  after ko magbayad eh naglibot-libot muna kami.  dumaan kami sa booksale.  naghanap siya ng spongebob at ako naman ay naghanap ng star wars.  walang bagong comics.  so tinulungan ko siya maghanap ng spongebob.  kaso ang nakita ko e star wars mag.  umutang tuloy ako sa kanya ng 100.  hehehe.  pinautang naman niya ako.  kaso yun nga lang e pamasahe na lang ang pera namin.

ayun na nga.  nabili ko na yung star wars tapos sumibat na kami papuntang balic-balic.  dumating kami dun 4pm.  punta kami sa parish office.  tapos after ilang minutes e okay na.  saktong palabas na kami ng office e pumasok si kuya jek (yung kaibigan kong pari).  "kuya jek, girlfriend ko si ulrike.  what time mass mo?  sisimba kami ah."

"7:15 pa.  pumunta muna kayong sm centerpoint.  alangan namang antayin nyo eh anong oras pa lang?  saan kayo mag-aantay?"

"e wala na kaming pera e.  sige pautang 100."

"o eto.  tamang-tama yan na lang laman ng pitaka ko."

at pumunta na nag kaming centerpoint.  pagdating dun naglibot lang kami.  kwentuhan.  tingin ng celfone.  tingin sa papemelrotti.  tapos nagutom.  at dun lang namin napagtantong wala pala kaming pera.  pamasahe lang.

"bi, kawawa naman tayo.  hehehe.  ok lang kasama naman kita eh," sabi ko.  "kaso gutom na talaga ako eh."

pumunta kami sa food court.  naupo muna at nagcompute.  hiniwalay namin yung pamasahe.  may natirang 70 pesos.  ayos pwede pa kaming kumain.  so isip kami ng kakainin.  tinignan namin ano pwede.  nampucha wala!  tapos naisip niya mag-grocery kami.  smart girl talaga ang babay ko.  hehehehe.

ang aming binili:  dalawang 500ml na summit mineral water, isang malaking breadstix at isang malaking cheez-it.

nabusog naman kami.

tapos nagsimba na kami at hinatid ko na siya sa kanila.

sweet di ba?  sooobra!

yan ang aming 1st monthsary!

mahal na mahal kita ulrike ko! =)

tatay: ganito ba talaga pag in-love?

anak: bakit tay?

t: haaay.  alam mo kung sakaling iwan ako ng nanay mo, di ko alam gagawin.  makikita mo akong umiyak.  hahahaha.

a: mahal mo talaga siya noh?

t: sobra.

patlang.

t: taena.  dati lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na never set long term goals.  never put high hopes.  pero pucha ngayo puro kabaligtaran ang nangyayari.  kahit anong iwas ang gawin ko, kahit anong pilit ko na wag mag-isip ng ganun, wa epek ‘nak.  talagang sinasabi ng puso’t isip ko na siya na.

a: awww.

t: sana siya na nga talaga.

a: sana nga tay.

t: pero kung sakali man dumating yung araw na yun, sana makaya ko.  sana i won’t be caught off guard.

a: kung sakali man dumating yun sana pareho kayong handa para hindi kayo sobrang masaktan.

t: taena sana wag na dumating.  shit!  naiisip ko pa lang nadudurog na ako.  paano pa pag dumating yun?

patlang ulit.

t: sana talaga kami na.

i still feel depressed over what happened this morning.  it really hurts.  my boss’ words pierced me hard.  ouch!  i never saw it coming.  my guard was down.  and what adds to my depression is the fact that february is fast approaching.

come by feb. 10, my contract as secretary will end.  by feb.11, i will be jobless.

is this good for me or bad?

i don’t know.  mixed feelings.  honestly there are times that i really wanna leave this shit.  but it seems like there are things that keep me here.  like genie.  after being set free by aladdin, he (genie) remained with the "street rat" turned prince.

but things may change.  if the HR will receive a word from my boss, i will become permanent.  but as of now, my situation’s blurry.  the light is flickering, slowly fading away.  but this LIGHT is still shining brightly and will always shine brightly no matter what.  this LIGHT is the Great X!

*silence*

i wish ulrike’s here.  she knows how to calm me down and kill this feeling of depression.  damn!  i miss my baby. =(

q: what’s the best thing that can happen to you on the first day of the week?

a: being called by your boss, yells at you for about a minute and says you are useless before hanging up.

shit, is it not?

damn fucking shit!  and because of that, my week’s already made up!

saya ba?

putangina sobra!

salamat ah!  bait mo talaga!

i was having the worst time of my life.  no direction.  i played a lot.  it was the time that i thought of everything as a game.  a game bound by no rules.  just play.  and win.  no matter how it was played, as long as i win, that’s more than enough.  but then i met people who also played the same game.  and they have rules.  i tried to play with them my way.  but i end up losing.  and i began losing every game.  not just game but also teammates.

i became depressed.  i almost quit.  then when i was about to, teammates came.  real teammates.  "hey, don’t quit!  we’re still here.  let’s play!"  i smiled and played with them.  and for once i never bothered about winning or losing.  i came to realize that i have been so preoccupied about winning the game that i forgot the real essence of playing — to enjoy.  enjoy the game itself and enjoy the experiences that come along:  the pain, the excitement, the exhaustion, the people playing it.

i still play the game.  but this time i just play.  with my teammates. =)

sa mga sandaling tulad nito

– mga sandaling wala akong magawa,

walang makausap,

naiinip, nababato –

mayroon akong naaalala:

mga matang mapungay,

buhok na puno ng buhay,

malalambot na pisngi

at ngiti ng mapupulang labi.

nariyan din ang mainit na yapos

at masasarap na haplos

na nagsasaad

ng damdaming banayad.

ngunit higit sa lahat,

naaalala ko ang dalaga

na nagmamay-ari

ng mga katangiang ito.

sa mga sandaling tulad nito

mayroon akong naaalala…

…ikaw!

"SA PAG-IKOT NG BOLPEN" ni Laotze (01/19/07; 1:47 pm)

sousa kanashimi wo yasashi sa ni

jibun rashisa wo chikara ni

mayoi nagara demo ii aruki dashite

mou ikkai

another verse from a japanese song i like.  translation? 

"turn your sadness into kindness

and your uniqueness into strength

it’s okay to get lost in the process, begin to walk

one more time."

this should remind those who always have a gloomy look on their faces especially the suicidal.  instead of allowing ourselves to be taken over by sadness and most especially depression, why not do something productive?

"fall seven times.  stand up eight."

when can one say that one has matured?  when can one claim that another has grown up?

a professor once told our class that when a parent leaves to work abroad and stays there for several years then return here, the tendency is that the parent would usually forget that his/her children have already grown up.  thus, some of his/her pasalubong might not be anymore applicable or should i say acceptable to the children’s standards.  if a parent leaves when the child is still three and returns when the child is already thirteen, it would be noticed that some of the parent’s pasalubong consists of  things that only 3-year-olds will like.

the same scenario also happens to us at times.  sometimes, when we meet old friends, they would see us as the same person they know a couple or several years ago.  it would be fine if we were known as nice people back then.  but what if we lived to have a bad reputation?  and we were known only because of that reputation?  now that’s where the sad part would lie.  "uy kumusta na?  mabaho ka pa rin siguro ano?  grow up pare.  tapos na yung mga araw na iyon.  act like a man."  this is just an example of the lines we may hear.  people would just tell us this or that without even thinking if we are still the same person they used to know.  it hurts.

maaari ngang may mga baho ako at mga hindi magagandang bagay na nagawa sa nakaraan.  marahil ang iba sa mga taong nakasalamuha ko ay nakilala ako sa mga bahong iyon.  ngunit hindi makatarungang husgahan ako ayon sa mga bahong iyon lalo na kung ang humusga ay hindi naman nasaksihan ang paglaki ko sa loob ng ilang taon.

i never believed in destiny.  or should i say i only believe that there is only one destiny.

most people equate destiny with the phrase "meant to be."  if one ends up or not with someone, it’s either they are meant to be or not meant to be.  when one did not get a job he wanted or failed to be accepted in a school he wanted to enter to or simply when things did not turn out the way one expected it to be, a lot would say that it’s because it’s not meant for you, it’s not meant to be or things are not meant to happen the way you want them.  it’s not destined to happen that way.  well, i say these all suck.

why do i not believe in destiny?  because it contradicts free will.  i have always argued and strongly believed that whatever we have now, whatever situation we are currently in, whoever is with us or not at this moment, is a product of our choice and not because it was planned to happen.  everything is a choice.  sounds like matrix but it’s true.  what’s the point of making decisions when in the end someone else will decide for you?  it’s like asking a puppet what he wants to eat and yet you end up controlling it what it should eat.  if God ever wanted us to folow His plan, He would have done it long ago and the world would have been a peaceful place to live in.

i have said in the beginning that i only believe in one destiny…death.  i believe that death is destined.  it is long ago planned by the Divine or Whoever that on a certain day and time, you will die, i will die, we will all die.  even for those who committed suicide.  even if they did not commit suicide, they would still die on that day and time.  this may sound absurd.   but the explanation lies in answering this question: "how can one explain that there are people out there who, after committing suicide for several times, are still alive and breathing?"  they chose to die yet they didn’t.  why?  simple.  it’s not yet their time.

this idea of mine makes "taking care of yourself" and saying "take care" useless.  whether we put extra precaution when going out or not or watch our health, if it’s not our time, then we won’t die.  but does it really put "take care" in vain?  no.  it just means that there are people who care and are afraid to lose you, even if, granted, they know it’s your time.  and that makes life worth living.

take care everyone!