…pALaKa…

"ayoko na.  pagod na ako."

i don’t know.  just a couple of minutes ago i felt tired.  tired of what?  life…….??

i really don’t know.  i really just felt tired of everything.  i just felt down and depressed.  but i don’t want to end everything.  maybe it’s just that i thought of my problems much.

my baby told me to think of my blessings.  for a change.  i always do.  it just so happened that my mind was triggered by something (i don’t know what) that made me think of negative things again.  this will pass.  i am not always like this.

maybe i am just tired.  i have not been feeling lively since this morning.  and maybe the fact that i want to leave this place affects my thinking.

maybe.

a friend once asked me this question:

"if your partner had experienced cheating on his past relationships, what’s your assurance that he won’t do it again with you?  is love enough an assurance?"

honestly, i wasn’t able to answer her immediately.  the question really made me think.  now, i have the answer, i guess.

but let me first tell you a story.  once there was this young lady who fell in love with a young man.  they were so deeply in love that they lasted for two years.  unfortunately, their love came to an end.  but it was not the typical break-up where in one leaves the other.  in her case, both of them decided to part ways.  whatever their reason was, nobody knew.  however, before separating, the young man said, "i will tell you something.  i guess i have to say this now since this might be the last time we’ll talk."

"what is it?" the young lady asked.

"i have been dating other girls when we were still together."

"oh really?" she smiled.  "that’s alright.  it’s part of the past already."  she paused.  then she continued, "since when?"

"about a month after our first year anniversary until last month."

it came hard on her.  like an arrow hitting an apple.  still, she showed no sign of being hurt.  "never mind it.  thanks for being honest."

and they separated.

my answer is this: there is no assurance if our partner truly loves us or not.  all we can rely on is the trust we have for him/her.  the young lady in the story never had thought that her man was dating others.  she was convinced that he was his only girl when they were together.  but his confession proved her wrong.  the same thing applies to us.  we can never assure ourselves if our partners are doing something fishy behind our backs.  if they tell us they love us and that we are their only one, all we can do is to trust their statement.  that’s all.  if your partner has no history of being a flirt or if cheating is not a part of his/her personality, then it’s better.  but still, that cannot be an assurance.  for people change.  time changes people.  a holy type person now can be a devil tomorrow.  and vice versa.

so what shall we do?

nandemonai.  nothing.  just keep on trusting.  and keep on loving.

i hope this would suffice.

A.I. stands for artificial intelligence.  it also stands for the number one show in america, american idol.  but i think it’s more proper to say it stands for american idiots.

last night’s the final elimination round for the top 24.  only 12 will make it to the finals.  compared to the previous seasons of american idol, this is the most disappointing.  i can’t believe my eyes and ears when i learned of the result.  sundance was out of the competition?!  and the one who’s expected to be our so very long already made it to the top 12.  i mean, hey, i don’t have anything against sanjaya but hello, it’s very obvious that sundance’s better than him.  my sister and i got disappointed.  and i am sure we are not the only ones who felt the same sentiment.  the three judges were all surprised!!!  the same result happened with the girls.  sabrina out and haley in?!?  goodness gracious!  what’s happening to america?!  sabrina’s so good.  as for haley?  well simon didn’t even know her name!

i have to be honest.  i lost the drive to watch this season’s american idol.  goodness.  my cousin’s right.  americans are one of the most stupid people in the planet.

american idol should better change its name.

so boring.  and when times like this come, i tend to think of many things.  like now.  i am thinking when i will die.  i just wanna know the exact date and time of my death.  wouldn’t that be cool?

"this is where i say i’ve had enough and no one should feel the way that i feel now.  walking open wounds, a trophy display of bruises, and i don’t believe that i’m getting any better, any better.  waiting here with hopes the phone will ring and i’m thinking awful things, pretty sure that a few would notice.  and this apartment is starving for an argument, anything at all to break the silence.  wondering this out like i never wondered out, and this about the social as i get now.  and i am throwing away the letters that i am writing you coz they will never do, i will never do, never.  waiting here with hopes the phone will ring and i’m thinking awful things, pretty sure that a few would notice.  and this apartment is starving for an argument, anything at all to break the silence.  so don’t be a liar, don’t say that everything’s working when everything’s broken and you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor and your eyes say the jokes on me."  lyrics from the saints and sailors by dashboard confessional.  i am listening to it now.  nuts.

let’s say you have a dream of working overseas.  you have a significant other whom you have loved more than all your past relationships combined.  you have been together for more than four years.  will you still leave knowing that once you do, everything will be over?  will you choose career over love?  or will you risk everything just to remain in the arms of your beloved, uncertain of what the future may hold for the two you but happy?

i feel stagnant.  i think it’s time for me to move forward.  but the problem is, right now, i haven’t had that much courage yet to talk.  damn.  this sucks.

i think the next american idol this season will come from the ranks of the girls.  they are far much better than the guys.  but i think blake lewis and chris richardson will enter the top 5 with melinda doolittle and lakisha jones.  i am not sure who’s the other.  well those are my bets so far.  but sometimes americans are stupid.  don’t ask me why.  they just are.  and there are times they are discriminating.  may be this is just my hunch but it really shows.  sometimes they vote not according to voice but looks.  a good example is last season’s AI.  mandisa is way better than katharine mcphee.  i was surprised mandisa did not even reach the top 5.  i think she’s the better choice.  but still taylor hicks would defeat her.  hehe.  well i am a taylor hicks fan.  mandisa is a good singer.  but we have to understand that women naturally have higher voices than us men.  but taylor hicks can sing high notes.  aww enough with american idol.

my mind’s not really fixed on a point.  no focus.  scattered.  this is what you get when you are alone and bored.

somebody kill me please.

yesterday was our second monthsary.  weeks before, i already told her i’ll bring her to harbour place/square (can’t remember the exact name…it’s either of the two).

"ano gagawin natin dun?  mahal mga kainan dun di ba?" she asked.

"oo.  pero di naman natin kailangang kumain sa mamahaling resto eh.  ay may pancake house dun!  tsaka starbucks tsaka tapa king!" i answered.

"tapa king na lang bi.  di pa ako nakakakain dun eh."

"sige tama.  ako rin eh.  since first time natin e mag-wish tayo!"

"oo ahihihi!"

wish?  what were we thinking?  tapa king is a church?  hahahaha!  but it was fun.

okay.  fast forward.

yesterday, i woke up with a big smile on my face.  i sent her a text message.  "good morning my baby!  happy monthsary!  i love you so much!"  then i took a bath, chose to wear the best clothing that was available (i wore semi-formal) and off went to work.

nothing much happened while working so i’ll just narrate what happened after work.

i went out of the office quarter past 5.  i walked fastly to gastambide.  my baby was already waiting inside UST’s medicine auditorium.  so i decided to take the pedicab.  but to my disappointment, it even took longer reaching p.campa cor. españa.   i should have walked, i thought.  but then i would perspire.  so i just bid my time.  then i rode a jeepney going to dapitan.  but the traffic was heavy.  again i thought of walking.  but no.  i don’t want to perspire.  it’s a long walk.

after several minutes, i reached UST.  i entered the medicine building, went up to the 4th floor and entered the auditorium.  the program was already over (it was salinggawi dance troupe’s annual dance concert).  few gawi members were fixing their things.  i was looking for a sign of my baby.  then someone waved a hand.  it was tita racquel, jem’s mom (jem is a gawi member).  seated beside her was none other than the most beautiful girl in my life.  i went to their place, greeted tita and kissed my "wife."  damn!  she’s much prettier on close-up.  paolo, jem’s bf, was there too.  after jem finished fixing her things, we went our separate ways.

i’ll cut the story short.  we reached harbour place/square (it’s beside CCP by the way).  i accompanied her first to the washroom then went immediately to tapa king.  after making our order, we decided to seat outside, near the bay.  it was cold and nice and romantic and beautiful.  and the night became more beautiful because seated in front of me was the most beautiful girl ever.  no pun.  she was really pretty last night.  she always looks pretty but last night, she was more than just pretty.  gorgeous i can say.  radiant.

"pakalikot ng bag mo ah," i said.  she nodded with a smile.

i started mingling her things.  what she didn’t know, it was just a way for me to put my little present for her.  i gave her bag back.

"ano ba, bi, di mo man lang sinara," she said.  she zipped it.  i took it and unzipped it again.  she smiled.  "ano problema mo bi?"  she asked getting the back and about to zip it.  then she saw it.  what did she see?

just a folded piece of paper.  what’s written on it?  this:

"ON THE OCCASION OF OUR 2ND MONTHSARY

To my dearest and ever beloved baby, Ulrike,

     This is all that I can afford to give you for this special occasin.  I have been doing this for more than a month now.  But I had a mental block along the way.  Especially with your surname.  It is only this morning that I completed the poem.  I don’t know how but words and ideas just kept coming in my head.  Call it inspiration or whatever, it doesn’t matter (Maybe it was since it’s our monthsary.  I really don’t know.  Hehe).  I did not imitate Ara just to inform you.  I have already started doing this long before she fell for Pochim and made the Pochim poem.  Amp.

     Anyway, I wouldn’t bore you anymore with my words.  I hope you’d like it.  Enjoy reading.  I love you very, very much!  Happy monthsary!  Mwah!

TULA PARA KAY ULRIKE

Unexpectedly, you came into my life

Like a fresh

Rainshower that poured

In the heat of summer

Keeping nature balanced,

Ensuring earth’s life.

Mildly, you touched my heart

And slowly entered its realm; I

Realized I had to

Contain the situation and suppress my

Emotion (that started to become vulnerable)

Lest I start to stumble and find myself falling,

Lying on the floor,

Engulfed in a situation I never wished for.

Maybe it’s better this way, I thought,

Abjuring the truth, the verity, the

Reality of me falling for you.

But the more I abjured, the more it proved; with

Our paths constantly crossing, my

Love kept burning, and

I, amidst the self suppression,

Nonetheless, had stumbled and fallen.

But this I did not regret; I am even

Obliged.  For had I not fallen for you, had I

Not told you how I feel, had I

Decided to let go, had I

Opted to be silent, then I wouldn’t have felt being

Cared, treasured and loved by you.

     I love you so much!  Don’t you ever dare leave me for if you do, I will look for you and once I find you, I will tie you around me so that we’ll be forever together!  I really, really love you my Baby!

                                                                                                       Pogi X"

lo and behold, she cried.  tears of joy according to her.  i held her hand, looked at her in the eye and said, "i love you, bi!  happy monthsary!"

we went home smiling. =)

"aalis ka pa ba?" tanong ni pao.

patlang.  isang mahabang katahimikan.

"bakit mo naitanong?" sa wakas binasag na ni may ang katahimikan.

"wala naman…takot lang akong umasa.  oo sinabi ko nga noon na i-e-enjoy ko lang kung anong meron tayo ngayon.  pero di ko napigilan.  ewan ko ba.  nahulog na yata talaga ako sa iyo.  umaasa na ako na tayo na hanggang huli.  alam kong hindi dapat.  sinusubukan kong pigilin.  pero wala e."

hindi kumibo si may.  isa na namang mahabang patlang ang namagitan sa usapan ng dalawa.

"kung sakaling aalis ka," wika ni pao.  "kung sakaling napagdesisyunan mo na talagang nais mong mangibang bansa, sabihin mo kaagad sa akin ha.  nang sa gayon ay titigilan ko na ang umasa."

patlang pa rin.

hinawakan ni may ang kamay ni pao at sumandal sa balikat ng lalaki.

"baby mahal na mahal kita.  wag kang bibitiw ah," ani may.

"hinding-hindi mahal ko," sagot ni pao.  "wag ka lang aalis sa tabi ko at hindi kita bibitawan," bulong niya sa sarili.

masakit pa nang kaunti ang katawan.  kagabi kasi ay pumunta kami ni phez (classmate ko nung highschool) sa minor at naglaro ng basketball kasama ang mga kapwa naming alumni.

sarap sa pakiramdam.  may "touch" pa pala ako sa paglalaro.  akala ko sobrang banban na ako.  hindi naman pala.  di rin naman ako magaling.  sa katunayan e reliever lang ako nung high school (mas ok na yun kesa naman pang-ubos foul tulad ni ****…hehehehe!).  naka 7 points yata ako, kahit karamihan e fastbreak at assist sa akin.  ilang rebounds at ilang steals din ang nagawa ko.  hehehehe.  oh well.  mukhang mapapadalas na ang laro ko sa minor pag lunes ng gabi.

ayos!

trip ko magmuni ngayon…

at trip ko pagnilayan ang nakaraan…

"pagkahaba-haba man ng prusisyon, sa simbahan din ang tuloy."  lumang salawikain.  lumang salawikaing bumabagay sa akin.  sa amin.  sino nga namang mag-aakalang sa loob ng mga taong ito e magiging kami.  ang dating "magkapatid" ngayon ay "magkadaupang dibdib."

hunyo 2004.  una ko pa lang siyang nakita, gusto ko na siya.  nasa ikatlong taon pa lang ako sa kolehiyo noon.  siya naman nasa ikatlong taon din.  sa hayskul.  patay tayo dyan.  kaya tuloy lang sa kanya-kanya naming buhay.

hindi kaagad kami naging close.  pero naging magkaibigan kami.  tapos unti-unti na lang naging close.  hindi ko alam kung ano ako sa kanya noong mga panahong iyon.  pero para sa akin, espesyal na siya noon pa man.  hindi ko alam kung ano ang meron pero magaan ang loob ko sa kanya tuwing kami’y nagkikita o nag-uusap.  hindi ko rin alam kung paanong nagsimula pero huli na nang malaman kong binubuksan ko na ang sarili ko sa kanya.  mga sikreto.  kahinaan.  pati kadiliman.  at wala akong pinagsisihan sa mga yun.  bagkus, ako’y nagpapasalamat.

kahit may mga kanya-kanya kaming mga pag-ibig nang mga panahong iyon, hindi yun naging hadlang sa aming pagkakaibigan.  nagkaroon pa nga ng "sempai" at "meimei."  patuloy lang ang aming pagtetext, pagkukwentuhan, pag-uusap.  pero minsanan lang.

dalawang taon ang lumipas, hunyo 2006, nawasak ang pag-ibig niya.  at siyempre, nariyan ang sempai na umaalalay sa sugatang meimei.  tsk.  pero dun nagsimula ang mas malalim na pagkakaibigan.  naging mas close sa isa’t isa.  mas napadalas ang pagtetext, pagkikita, pag-uusap.

ilang buwan makalipas noon, oktubre 2006, nagkalamat ang pag-ibig ko.  at nung mga oras na iyon, ang meimei naman ang naging takbuhan ng sempai.  pinilit kong ayusin ang lamat.  humihingi pa nga ako ng tulong sa meimei.  pero sadyang wala.  makalipas ang dalawang buwan, disyembre 2006, nawasak na rin ang aking pag-ibig.  muli, nariyan ang meimei para tulungan ang sempai na pawiin ang kanyang kalungkutan.

at doon na nga nagsimula.  tatlong araw bago mamaalam ang taong 2006, may nabuong bagong pag-ibig.  ang sempai at meimei ay nawala na.  bagkus, ito’y napalitan ng pogi at sexy.  pero para maikli, baby na lang.

"pagkahaba-haba man ng prusisyon, sa simbahan din ang tuloy."

ang saya naman.  nawa’y magtagal at magtuloy-tuloy. =)

it’s really hard to please employers.  no matter how hard employees work, it wouldn’t be enough for the employers.  they always want perfection.  the best.

but we are just humans.  bound to make mistakes.  even if one puts all his best at something, there will still be a margin of error in it.  and what’s worse is that employers see this as a flaw, some sort of a lack in one’s dedication to work.

amidst the praises of others for what you did, it’s still hard to praise your boss.  a job well done from others is a "your best wasn’t good enough" for him.

i guess bosses are really like that.

nuts.

a close friend of mine, who happened to be also my former classmate, sent me a text message asking for a favor.

"ano yun?"

"kasi may problema ako sa gf ko pare.  she found out a 3rd party.  pero sinabi ko break na kami.  she’s not convinced.  she broke up with me.  pwede ko bang i-send sa kanya number mo as my 3rd party para ma-verify na wala na talaga kami nung 3rd party ko?"

"sori pare," i replied. "you are my friend.  i trust you.  but i will not engage myself in fooling girls.  you know it’s your fault.  so face the consequences of your actions.  ninja tayo di ba?  don’t be like the missing-nins.  hehe."

"i understand tol."

"move on pare.  yan na lang magagawa mo.  pag makahanap ka na ulit ng bago, wag ka na magkaroon dapat ng 3rd party."

then i added, "kung galit ka sa akin ok lang."

"wag ka mag-alala tol, di ako galit sa iyo.  i admit tama ka.  it’s just that i feel so helpless.  mahal na mahal ko gf ko tol.  kilala mo ako, i don’t say i love a girl unless i really do."

"mahal mo pero ‘nangaliwa’ ka?  di ko mareconcile.  kaya mo yan.  i dunno when but a day will come and you’ll realize nakatawid ka na."

"yun nga mali ko tol.  i was in the porcess of settling a relationship with my previous gf nung naging kami.  eventually, lately ko lang na-settle out yung isa.  sad to say pero nalaman niya muna bago ko pa nai-share sa kanya yung about dun."

"oooh.  that’s bad."

it has always been my motto that in everything you do, do it with full responsibility.  face the consequences of your actions with full responsibility.

kaya mo yan tol!